Saturday, March 14, 2009

Still Waiting to Exhale?

Merry Meet and Greetings Family, Friends, Follower and Lurkers!

So, here I stand, faced with a crisis of conscience. Ok well, that's a big whopping lie, because it's not a crisis at all and my conscience has never been clearer.

First, let me say that I am not a vindictive person. If anything, I have often been accused of being too forgiving for my own good. A week or so ago, I received a call on my cellphone from a number I didn't recognize. I was lying down nursing a strained back, so I didn't answer it. I presumed that, if it was important enough, whomever it was would leave a message and so they did.

Later, when I listened to the message, I realized it was from a woman that was hired as the practice manager for an office I had managed several years before. And while I had long since moved on at the time she was hired, I learned through a relative who still worked with her that you couldn't speak my name in her presence without her becoming enraged. I had also learned that she enjoyed reading my blog in order to ridicule my personal life and what she believed was my lack of mental stability. Now, ya gotta know, I can count on one hand the number of times I'd actually met this person, so I found this behavior bizarre, if not a tad amusing.

One of my chance encounters with this woman came, however, at one of the most difficult and painful times of my life, on the evening of the death of my mother. My mother, who was 84 years old and had suffered from emphysema for many, many years, was in the end stage of her disease. I had spent most of day at her bedside at the hospital. My mother couldn't speak, could barely breath and was suffering from dementia. Yet, I could sense she knew who I was and that I was with her. When I looked in her eyes however, I sensed something else...fear. I felt so helpless! In my heart, I knew that this would be the last time I'd see her alive, I was terrified to leave her. Still, I had a 5 year old at home and I needed to care for her as well. The nurses assured me that they would call me immediately if there was any change. I kissed her forehead and reluctantly left for home.

A few hours later, I received a call informing me that my mother was crashing and that they had been "working on her" for 45 minutes. Working on her? Why wasn't I called!? There was no further intervention that would restore her life's quality, but instead, would merely prolong her suffering! We had signed a "do not resuscitate" order during one of the last of many hospitalizations at the recommendation of her physician! What the fuck were they doing?!

We arrived at the hospital as quickly as we could, but my mother was already gone. I was heartbroken and furious, all at once. I don't think there has been a moment quite as devastating as walking into my mother's room and seeing the woman who gave birth to me, hooked up to a monitor that was measuring her for signs of life. I stared in disbelief at the flatline across the screen and just as I did a little blip appeared on the monitor. Artifact, I was told. Bullshit!, I thought. I truly believe she realized I was there. I looked up as the nurse spoke and there, standing next to my other family members, was this woman who couldn't tolerate my existence. I truly felt that her presence there was not to comfort, but instead had a morbid, spectator-like quality, as if she found some twisted satisfaction in my suffering. I was already disoriented and grief stricken, but now also felt as if one of the most sacred moments in my life was being violated as well.

My mother's life was not the only thing that ended that night. Family bonds were irrevocably broken by the hands of guilt and greed, none of which involved myself or this woman. The day following my mother's death, I was accused of being "rude". Rude!? My mother had just died! Even if I would have allowed myself to be remotely distracted by this woman's presence, I wouldn't have wasted the last precious moments that I had with my mother being "rude" to her or anyone else.

Needless to say, along with my mother, anyone who caused me additional pain on that night, no longer exists to me now.

So there I sat, in utter disbelief, listening to this woman's nauseatingly sweet voice cooing her request for some work related information into my cell phone! I'll be honest, I got as far as "Hi Tracy, long time no hear!" "Listen, the reason I'm calling is..Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah..blah..blah. Then..."Think you can you get back to me?"

"Maybe, Lynn." "Hold your breath till I call".

"Never attribute to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity"

In Darkness, Light!



SeeThroughGreen said...

Its always a hard thing to know what to say to a person who has lost someone. I wont go into the Im sorrys because that brings people further down the road of guilt and depression but I will say that she was your mother, she loved you and she knew that you were there with her in that room. Celebrate the life she lived and the person she was, not to mention the daughter she raised. Dont let this woman destroy those memories of your mother.
Just know that people are there for you. Friends, family and blogstalkers ;)

Kia Haka.
Keep her alive with you. <3

Tracy said...

Kia Haka.
Keep her alive with you. <3

March 14, 2009 10:08 PM

Thank you, so much. It's always nice to know that someone is listening, whether they're stalking or not! Your response truly touched my heart.

I visited your blog and I must also tell you that your work is breathtaking! I love the animals! You are truly gifted!

carol said...

I had a similar situation when my father died, looking into his eyes and the hospital staff not calling us when they promised. It was just awful.

It sure is suffering. You don't get over losing them, but you do start to think of the plesant memories and hope that you will be together again someday!

Tracy said...

I have no regrets, Carol. I know I took care of my mother and that I was there for her when she needed me.

It's not that I'm even holding a grudge, I just don't like to feel as if I'm being played.

Some of the comments this woman has made about me were as recent as a few months ago. My mother passed away in 2001 and I don't think I've seen or heard form this woman since then. So, now, she's calling me?

She should be thankful that I'm spiritually responsible or she'd have to worry about more than whether I'm rude or not :)

carol said...

I don't know what her game is but she is lucky that you are spiritually responsible!!

you did the right thing just ignore her wise ass completely.

Tracy said...

Nah, she's not worth the Karma or my energy!

The Bush Family said...

Hi Tracy,

I happened upon your blog through Rose's Blog Links and I am truly happy that I did. I must say that I am sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother in 2007 and my mother just last August. Both women were an integral part of my upbringing. I think I will take a look around your blog, hope you don't mind :). I will not stalk, I will follow.


Tracy said...


March 15, 2009 8:02 PM

Dear Mesa,

I'm happy you found me! If someone sees some aspect of their lives in something I write or if I can bring a smile to a crappy day, that's more than enough for me!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandma, but you know, she will always be with you. Look for little signs from her.



Anonymous said...

Alerted byfriends who know you, tracy,as well as, 'THIS FAMILY MEMBER" And all of the others, family, friends, acquaintences through and through. Your accounts of the relationships, and deaths are as usual the most self centered, egotistical and yes i'm saying it INSANE. That being said, I also know very intimately one or two relatives in question. While Im not saying they are even near perfect, but your potrayal of them is on the verge of disgusting and if names were mentioned you would probably have a slander suit slapped to you! So, if this is what you need to make yourself look and feel complete go for it. You were not the only one who lost. While no one seems to have a problem with your wiccan practices, it's your memory or lack of, that humors some and devastated others. I personally think you have to get more mirrors and examine yourself a little closer.

Tracy said...

Oh, so you were "alerted" to this entry by "friends?"

And I guess you felt the need to respond anonymously because, oh I don't know, you're just so confident in your alleged facts. Or are you just a coward? I'm betting on the latter.

I'm quite certain that you came by this post in much of the same way you did the "intimate" knowledge you claim to have regarding myself, my family and the deaths of the same. What you attribute to "knowledge" amounts to little more than complete and utter bullshit or at best, second hand, watered down, one sided versions of the truth coming from a source that, by your own admission, is imperfect.

As far as your "intimate" relationship with "one or two" of my family members is concerned, anyone with any truly credible knowledge of myself, my family, this "family member" or their true character, with the exception of myself, is deceased, which proves that you are, in point of fact, full of shit.

Perhaps you should work on your comprehension skills as well. There were absolutely no references made as to the character of any specific members of my family. The very fact that you found what *you* believed was a negative portrayal and attributed to a specific family member also speaks volumes.

My post was about the death of "my" mother and a woman who didn't have the common sense to refrain from intruding upon personal lives of people who were grieving or to avoid casting judgements as to the sanity and character of people they barely know.

By the way, because I use my own name on this blog, your comments constitute defamation of character.

Perhaps you'll get slapped with a lawsuit for slander and cyberstalking! Seems you don't know very much after all.

I'm sorry if hearing the truth offended you. It obviously doesn't happen that often or perhaps, you're just gullible enough to believe everything you hear. Again, I'd bet on the latter.